A Fair Time to Practice Good Listening and Compassion

As has been told to me many times throughout life, you never know what someone else is going through, and when a person is at their wit’s end it can be the smallest thing to tip the scale. How we react to the situation can either relieve all that pressure or make it explode. I think the most frequent and challenging conversations that I have had in my interpersonal relationships have been on subjects that fall within the sphere of politics. Especially in recent years. Whether it be a news article or anything else that might spark a person into making even a mention of something that may be considered political it seems more often to lead to a negative and immediate reaction. At the fair this year I had such an interaction that has given me a reason to reflect on the phenomenon.

I was talking to a gentleman who engaged with me in a very positive and overtly jocular fashion about his preferred choice of president, Donald Trump. Amid this exchange which had a very lighthearted tone, a Hispanic woman approached from seemingly nowhere and exclaimed quite passionately, “That is why I am leaving his ass!” My new friend's positive demeanor quickly changed when his now relatively irate, and water-filled-eye, spouse started to make a scene. 

Without warning or any intention of my own, I had just been made a third wheel in a lover's spat that has obviously been festering for some time. She went on to explain, as her very manly biker/veteran husband fell silent, that she had illegally crossed the Rio Grande years ago, and if she had not, she would have likely been dead. She added that “He (Trump) called us all rapists, terrorists, and drug smugglers.” I let her get it all out and once she took her first breath and stopped erratically pacing back and forth. Calmy, I then asked her why she seemed so angry with me. 

I sincerely care about fostering positive relationships, and when a person reacts so strongly to something then I feel it is a momentous opportunity for me to learn to be a better communicator and a gift in disguise to hear some unadulterated truth—truth and good communication being the hallmarks of good relationships. Firstly, I find it is most fruitful to change one's countenance immediately and to focus on listening to what is said versus how it is said.

Letting a few moments pass while listening allowed her a few moments to feel heard, which is why I think people raise their voices in the first place because they want to be heard. Not engaging with her until after there were signs that she was calming down allowed for that first flush of adrenaline to come out without ratcheting things up during the peak of her physiological flight or fight response. Asking her a question that challenged the rationale of her behavior in a way that allowed her to identify any possible culpability on my end served to elicit higher brain function and deprived her limbic cortex of a potential combatant at the same time.

Her next few comments were relatively nonsensical, but she was just grasping at straws and still very much triggered. Aggression quickly changed to tears, and then we all talked a little. I first acknowledged that I too think it is often very unkind to generalize any group of people, but I did not try at this point to give any rebuttals even though I do not agree with her synopsis of the statements Trump made. Knowing when not to push against a person's beliefs is also an important part of building rapport and respect. I then queried her: “If you were having a big party at your house and you had worked hard to set things up and spent lots of your money and time to prepare a grand meal, would you let people sneak in the backyard and take a place at your table?” She snapped instantly back, “Yep!” Realizing that she was not ready to rationalize with me I just smiled and turned my head a little as if to say, “Come on.” I then related to her that I was a first-generation American and that my wife was Mexican to establish some common ground. She was surprised to hear this and my wife and she shared a hug. Some pleasantries were swapped, and she explained that she was “Very passionate,” and I told her that I liked her passion and that I thought we needed more of it. 

I do not think she changed her mind about Trump that day, but I do think that the way I handled it was a lesson for everyone around us which was about 15–20 people and I would surmise that she and her husband probably had a more respectful conversation about the issue later on because as I watched them walk away, they were grasping each other warmly and closely. Before they turned her husband thanked me man-to-man while looking me dead in the eyes, in a very deliberate and sincere way, for the respect I had shown his wife even while she was not being her finest self. He then offered the insight that she had escaped a cartel bloodbath and that he felt she had PTSD. Nothing further was said, just a slight nod and humble smile from me to indicate my understanding and condolences, and to also say, “You’re welcome.”