Nevada County’s Paycheck Survey: Alison Lehman’s Master Plan to Prove She’s Underpaid
In a move that has left taxpayers clutching their wallets and laughing through the tears, Nevada County Executive Alison Lehman and her trusty Board of Supervisors have greenlit a $75,000 contract with Bryce Consulting, Inc., to “survey” their compensation. Because apparently, the only thing more critical than affordable housing or higher wages for lower-level county staff is figuring out if Lehman’s nearly half million-dollar annual compensation package comes with enough gold stars.
Resolution SR 25-0151, passed with the kind of pomp usually reserved for royal coronations, allocates $25,000 per year from 2025 to 2028 to Bryce Consulting—a company presumably staffed by psychic mathematicians who can divine the exact worth of Lehman’s coffee runs and inspirational Zoom pep talks. The contract, effective July 1, 2025, and running until June 30, 2028, was rubber-stamped by the Board of Supervisors, who reportedly nodded in unison like bobbleheads at the Nevada County Fair.
“Listen, folks,” Lehman said in an imagined press conference we’re pretty sure happened in her head, “I need to know if I’m being fairly compensated for my tireless work of…uh…supervising things. And who better to tell me I deserve a raise than a consulting firm we’re paying with taxpayer dollars to agree with me?” Sources close to Lehman confirm she’s turning in her Porsche to buy another one with the expected largesse of her anticipated raise.
The Board, chaired by Heidi Hall who was brave enough to wield a pen for this travesty, authorized the deal with all the gravitas of a medieval knight knighting a squire and was quoted as saying, “County senior staff deserve their current salaries and, in fact, should make twice as much.”
“It’s a bold step forward,” whispered supervisor Hardy Bullock, adjusting his ceremonial sash. “We can’t possibly rely on common sense or, say, a quick Google search to figure this out. We need three years and $75,000 to really nail it.”
Local resident Tammy Jenkins, a single mom who’s been begging the County for years to do something about the homeless tweakers who live in the field across the street, was less impressed. “Oh, fantastic,” she said, rolling her eyes so hard they nearly fell out. “I guess I’ll just tell my kids to play in the house so Alison can afford an extra latte. Maybe Bryce Consulting can survey my grocery bill next.”
Rumors swirl that Bryce Consulting’s “total compensation surveys” will include hard-hitting metrics like “number of times Lehman says ‘synergy’ in a meeting” and “emotional labor of pretending to care about public feedback.” Insiders suggest the firm’s final report—due conveniently after Lehman’s next vacation—will recommend a significant pay bump, a private jet, and a statue of her in the county parking lot.
Meanwhile, the Board of Supervisors basked in their own brilliance. “This is fiscal responsibility at its finest,” supervisor Lisa Swarthout boasted, sipping from a twelve-dollar artisanal water bottle. “We’re investing in ourselves so we can serve you better. It’s trickle-down greatness. Y’all just wait for it to trickle.”
As Nevada County braces for three years of this self-congratulatory circus, local taxpayers are left wondering if it takes $75,000 to figure out Lehman’s worth, how much will it cost to survey the collective IQ of the Board of Supervisors? Answers, presumably, are forthcoming - courtesy of Bryce Consulting’s next invoice.
[Rusty Dankbud’s my name, puffing out parody—every word’s a silly puff of fun!]
